I wasn't shy about my struggle with infertility. I mean, there are things I still haven't opened up about on the blog - and am still debating when/if i'll do so... but everyone knows what I dealt with, what my diagnosis was, and my long journey to finally have this miracle baby growing inside me. So, that being said.... going through what I went through... sometimes I feel like I have no right to complain, to bitch, to cry, to struggle with my aches and pains.
Do I even have the right to be complaining, because of what I went through?
I have been asking myself that a lot the last few weeks... because they have not been awesome. Week 23 hit and my mystery painful rash showed up. After a week and a half of dealing with whatever that was, it started subsiding. Literally the day after it really started healing, I began having this hip pain. It started to spread towards my upper right hamstring, my butt and my back... and has just progressively gotten worse the last 2 weeks. I don't think its sciatica but its definitely something. Maybe its just my boy pushing up on something, maybe its just my ligaments and joints shifting to make room, maybe its my sacroiliac joint, maybe its a mix of everything. But I can't get comfortable, sitting at my work desk is torture - I even brought in a pillow/cushion for my seat and a floor stool - and my the end of the day I just want to cry 24/7. However, I will say that my Snoogle pregnancy pillow has been a god send and allows me to sleep as comfortably as possible. Long story short, I've been in pain. I can't take my walks, I can't do any form of activity so I feel like a lazy turd, and the only thing that helps is doing light stretching, and that only relives the discomfort momentarily. Last night I just broke down and cried - I couldn't handle it and the only thing I was thinking about was how it is most like only going to get worse the next 3 months.
So yea... I've been complaining. But I question it every time I've been doing so - even just think about my discomfort. I wanted to be pregnant for so long. Being pregnant is SUCH A BLESSING. There are so many women I know still battling HA or infertility in general that would be THRILLED to be in my shoes. There are also so many pregnant women that would kill to only have dealt with this type of pain during pregnancy.... all of this I know. But because I struggled with infertility, does that mean I can't complain?! I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't. I feel like I don't have the right. I tried to keep it all in these last few weeks and make it seem like all was well - but it was tough. My sweet, kind, patient, husband has been amazing... trying to help rub my back and give me butt massages. I know he hates that there really isn't anything else he can do, and I don't want to be a raging whiner around him... so I just try to keep it in (most of the time).
I hate complaining. I hate sounding like i'm bitching about things. I AM thankful, I AM grateful, I AM thrilled to be welcoming this little man in a few short months. But you know what? Sometimes pregnancy is tough, and its painful, and uncomfortable... I think a lot of us complain at some point or another during pregnancy.... right?! (please tell me i'm not alone here) - I'm not posting this to sound ungrateful, again, because I'M NOT.
I'm just sitting here, at 27 weeks pregnant, uncomfortable, and questioning if i'm crazy for thinking I shouldn't be complaining.....