I decided to weigh myself for the first time in a while today. Not because I was worried to see "how much I weighed" - but to see if I've been able to gain that suggested weight by my RE to help with my amenorrhea. Last time I weighed myself in January, it read 130 pounds... Today? 130 pounds. I couldn't believe it. I've been continuously cutting back on my workouts (only walking, yoga, light weights and I treat myself to T25 ever so often) and I eat what I want, when I want :) I think my body has truly found where it's supposed to be, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.... and i'm even closer to my goal of being a Mom someday (insert happy dance).
If this was last year - I would have been freaking out at seeing 130 lbs flashing on the scale. I would have wondered how i let my body "get this big" or why I let myself go. The funny thing is.... If I was working out over an hour a day, and only eating ~1800 calories... I should have realized that the 120 pound frame was NOT maintainable for the rest of my life. I should have realized that losing my period was NOT normal and I should have cut back on workouts sooner. I should have realized that I am beautiful at any size and that a number doesn't define who I am. I should have learned that treating yourself is a wonderful thing, and that peanut butter straight out of the jar... well, is a beautiful thing, too. I should have realized that life is too short to count calories and worry about going out to eat with friends because the meal may be too heavy or "not on my plan". I should have realized that I needed to be nourishing my own body if I wanted to bring another being into this world....
Flash forward to this year:
- I work out 4 times a week, for 30 minutes max (workouts consist of walking on treadmill, yoga, light weights, and 1 day of a short Taebo or T25 video)
- I don't know how many calories I consume in a day; I eat when i'm hungry
- I have been nourishing and healing my body; physically, mentally and nutritionally
- I no longer get "hangry" (you're welcome, Joey)
- I have yet for my cycle to return, but based on tests and RE visits... it seems as if things are changing (ie. My uterine lining is finally growing!! Yay for gaining weight, building my fat percentage and BMI, and producing more estrogen!)
- I feel free
- I have gained 10 pounds... and I have never been so happy
So, why do I want to share this with you? The presentation I attended really opened my eyes to the bigger issue at hand. There seem to be stigmas about talking about the 'ED, disordered eating, body image' topics, but the silence needs to be broken (and I think it is truly starting to be). Whether you are suffering with Anorexia or Bulimia, have unhealthy body image thoughts, or are an athlete who lost their cycle; there is hope and there is help for you.
I know other women and men have struggled, and are struggling, with this and I want to give them courage to speak out, to find their own happiness and to love themselves unconditionally. I want people to know they are not alone on their journey and that there are so many resources, forums, etc. to reach out to to get help or just have someone to talk to. I want people to know they are SO worth it and that they deserve to find the immense happiness I have found.
To all of my beautiful, fabulous, wonderful, followers - thank you for reading and for following my journey. Blogging has truly changed my life... completely for the better.
x's & o's